Iâm a 37-year-old female who wants kids. Just after the holidays, I ended a six-year relationship with a man I loved dearly because he decided he didnât want children. Iâm one of four kids and the only one without children. I adore my niece and nephews and always wanted a family, but he was unsure. We were both busy with our careers. I kept thinking heâd eventually come around.
Now Iâm thinking of freezing my eggs to buy myself some extra time in hopes of still having one or two children. It would cost me about $8,000. This would be about a third of the money in my savings account. Iâm not emotionally ready to start dating yet. Iâm also concerned about dating in the middle of a pandemic, knowing it will probably be several months until Iâm able to be vaccinated.
Iâm now working from home permanently and donât have a ton of opportunities to meet new people. When I get back into dating, Iâm guessing it will be on a dating app, which Iâm already dreading. I donât want to settle for just anyone. Is it wise to use a substantial part of my savings if I can buy myself more time to find a partner?
You recognized what you really want and that youâd never get that in the relationship you were in. You had the wisdom to not invest any more of your time. That took real strength. I doubt it brings you much comfort to hear right now, but you made the right choice.
Everything Iâm about to say is based on a few assumptions: that youâve consulted with a doctor you trust, that theyâve told you that egg freezing is a viable option for you and that youâve confirmed the $8,000 price tag.
If all this is true, yes, go ahead and spend $8,000 to freeze your eggs. This absolutely counts as an investment in your future, just one that wonât come with a monetary payout. Thereâs no guarantee that youâll get the returns youâre after, but then again, there are no guarantees in investing.
But I want you to think of your $8,000 as only part of your investment.. You have a goal here, which is to meet a partner and have children with them. The pandemic, obviously complicates that. Youâve accepted that this will cost you money. But youâll also need to invest time and legitimate effort to meet someone once youâve gotten your COVID-19 vaccines. And quite honestly, that may be harder, at first, than parting with your $8,000.
Letâs set some measurable goals, even if that doesnât exactly sound romantic It usually isnât that hard for women to find a date on the apps. So I want you to aim for three dates per month once you can safely do so. These dates can be with three different guys or all with the same guy.
That may sound like a lot. But Iâm not telling you to commit three entire evenings a month to a four-course dinner and a movie. Iâm asking for three cups of coffee, three glasses of wine or three walks around the park.
I donât want you settling for any guy who comes along. But we donât get an unlimited number of dealbreakers when we choose a partner. Invest in the guys whose goals align with yours. Swipe left on any man whoâs upfront about not wanting kids on his profile. Same goes for all the guys who say they want kids someday but are looking for something casual.
But think, too, about the things that really donât matter. Be open to the guys who are a little shorter or older or younger or balder than you want â but who seem like nice people who want the same things you do.
Be open about your goals. Specify on your profile that you want kids. Donât invest your time on someone hoping that heâll eventually come around on this. There is no middle ground on having children.
I understand why it makes you nervous to spend a substantial part of your savings here. So often, we think of our savings as falling in two buckets: an emergency fund and retirement, without consideration for all of lifeâs other needs. But investing part to build a family someday is a perfectly legitimate use of your savings. As long as youâre willing to invest the time, this is money well spent.
Robin Hartill is a certified financial planner and a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder. Send your tricky money questions to AskPenny@thepennyhoarder.com.
This was originally published on The Penny Hoarder, which helps millions of readers worldwide earn and save money by sharing unique job opportunities, personal stories, freebies and more. The Inc. 5000 ranked The Penny Hoarder as the fastest-growing private media company in the U.S. in 2017.